Turning your statements into questions is one key to being able to Spiral Impact a conflict. Think about it…if you have a conflict or at a ’stuck point’ there are likely many statements you make about it.
He will never change.
This always happens.
I am not good at this.
In the recent Tiger Woods commercial, the questions Tiger Woods’ dad asks are fantastic questions:
What was your thinking?
How do you feel about it?
And, what did you learn?
Any conflict you have with another can be transformed through asking questions, of course you’ve got to be ‘centered’ and authentic enough to prompt the person to answer and hear what they have to say! Read : http://www.karenvalencic.com/blog/one-crucial-thing-for-excelling
Feel stuck, have a conflict? Turn your statements about it into questions and acknowledgements. This Spirals or turns you toward solutions.
March was truly an exciting month in Indy. Our Butler Bulldogs provided us with a tremendous amount of inspiration, entertainment and hope. I am still catching my breath.
This early April morning I walked out the front door and low and behold my ferns had grown at least 10 inches overnight! Wow!
Where’s the connection?
The right conditions facilitate rapid growth. Whether you are person or a plant - you’ve got to have the right conditions.
What are the right conditions? I believe:
* A clear intention or desire
* A calm yet energized presence
* Support and encouragement
* Knowledge or strategy
Do you have these elements in your life? If you lead people, do you provide this for your employees? What about your children?
Thank you Coach Brad Stevens for showing us what it is to lead without yelling and throwing things; thank you mother nature for the right rain, sun and protection from pests for my plants!
It’s that time of year again when dodging potholes becomes a sport here in Indy - another aspect of ‘March Madness.’ Hitting a pothole in my Mini really shakes me up!
Hitting a communication ‘pothole’ can also shake a person up. Potholes are a void begging to be filled, in the road or in communication. You know what I mean…someone doesn’t return your call or fill a request. He or she seems to disappear; you are left in the land of ‘not knowing,’ a void of information.
In the void of communication, what do you fill that ‘pothole’ with?
Do you assume it is about you? That somehow you aren’t worthy? Alice thought her proposal for work was accepted; dates were even discussed. However, when she tried to confirm she received no response. She assumed the project wasn’t going to happen. In the end, she learned her client thought they were confirmed. He had less of a need for communication.
Do you assume the worst? Something has happened to the person? Tracy, your child, is out late and not answering his cell phone. Need I say more?
Do you trust when the time is right you’ll have your response? David is a busy executive. Over the years he’s learned when the time is right, he will hear from the person, just on time, although, it may not be his preferred time.
The astute communicator practices ‘pothole’ prevention by learning peoples’ preferences for communication. Given there are so many options to deliver communication, I have found it surprising what some people prefer and resent! Assuming anything is a big mistake.
Nancy, a baby boomer, informed me she feels resentful when someone phones her; it takes too much time to return a call
Eric, another baby boomer, informed me he primarily communicates on Facebook! E-mail is too slow for him
My 20 something daughters prefer texting
Jason, a Gen Xer business owner, prefers Linked-In
My mother likes me to call her on Sunday mornings; it is a ritual
The bottom-line is: ask people how and when is the best way to communicate with them.
Yet, truly at the bottom of a pothole…
no communication… is communication.
It says, “This is not the most important thing to me right now. ”
I’ve become a floor statue (I am kneeling)…I love watching the Olympics. I find it so invigorating to watch people pursuing a huge goal!
Winter Olympics in particular, feels like the athletes unleash all they’ve got with the help of gravity. WOW!
Okay, Apolo is my favorite. This year is no exception. Not only is he very easy on the eyes. I love his philosophy. He seems very aiki like to me! Short track speed skating is a pretty wild sport. A few things I’ve heard him say that really apply to any sport or endeavor:
1. Did I do everything I could do today to do my very best?
2. Always be calm and watch for an ‘opening’ to appear.
3. Leave it on the ice.
A great message and certainly in line with “keep moving and bend your knees.” You’ll have to read my book to learn more!
Fresh fruit or gooey chocolate cake, think fast, what is your choice?
Beware: Your choice may be dictated by the number of things on your mind.
I listened to a fascinating program on public radio www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/. They site a study: people were asked to memorize a series of numbers, containing either 2 or 7 digits. Then, they were asked to walk down a hall to another room where they’d need to report their numbers.
In the hallway, unexpectedly, a hostess asked each person if they would like a snack; she offered fruit salad or big fat piece of chocolate cake. Almost always, the people with 7 numbers on their minds chose cake;the people with 2 numbers chose fruit.
The conclusion - you make better choices when you have less things going on in your mind! If you have too many things going on your emotional mind override your logic and goes for the comfort food.
The task - how in a busy world do you minimize the ’stuff’ in your head?
For me it is a combination of two things:
1. Making a prioritized “to do” list.
2. Staying centered, focused and balanced.
When I do this, my choice is even better than fruit, it is brocolli!
I hear them echoing through the neighborhoods; it happens every Friday at 11 AM sharp. I can count on it. I feel comfort in them because it always happens.(For you non-Indiana people this is the time the emergency sirens are tested. )
When change is happening; when life feels rocky – I look to those things that are constant for comfort.
I look out the window and it is snowing; I feel comfort knowing in about 6 weeks buds will be coming out on the trees – it always happens it’s a constant.In the Fall those leaves will turn color and fall…it always happens.
The other constant I have is my thoughts. I choose to be constant about gratitude.My last thought before sleeping is gratitude; the first thought on waking is gratitude.Nobody can take that away regardless of circumstances.
In October I wrote about how ‘nice’ is as ineffective as ‘confrontational.’ One reader asked me about the ‘nice’ person who surprises everyone by suddenly becoming very angry and full of rage. A very close analogy is cooking with a pressure cooker, which I do on a regular basis. Many people are afraid of pressure cookers and for good reason. If the pressure is not released, it explodes, very much like the person mentioned above.
One law of physics is very important to know:
When temperature rises so does pressure in an enclosed space. The secret to pressure cooking is balancing the heat applied with the pressure released. This is also true with people. Being too ‘nice’ usually requires living an unspoken lie - which increases internal pressure. This person may:
Say ‘yes’ too much and be over committed
Feel mistreated and not be able to speak up appropriately
Feel uncomfortable asking for help
Have extraordinary demands on him or her because of life circumstances
The answer is simple, although not easy. Obey the law:
Reduce the heat- by asking for help; learning to say ‘no’
Release the pressure- exercising; belly breathing; journaling; talking to a trusted advisor
Increase the space- center yourself; create some ‘me’ time and get very clear about who you choose to be
Or, if this is an issue for someone close to you, be sensitive to his or her limits and help out! Although, readily accepting help may be difficult for this person. Recognize “I can do it,” may be code for “I need help.”
The holidays are around the corner. You can bet I’ll be correctly applying this law of physics both in my kitchen and with my schedule! How about you?
Sure, I am frequently tempted to play favorites both on the aikido training mat and in my life.
My favorites are people who make me feel comfortable and see things from my point of view. On the aikido mat they are fun to practice with because the techniques just flow and we fly through the air with ease; frankly, it is a blast.
It is the difficult people I sometimes want to avoid. In life, they don’t share my point of view. On the training mat they are the people who come in either too strong or too limp.
Yet, it’s those difficult people, where I stretch and grow both on the mat and in life.
The person who questions or corrects something I say…stretches me to get clarity and broaden my perspective.
The person who is emotionally out of control…stretches me to get more balance in my center.
The person who is limp or lacking initiative…stretches my patience and understanding
In aikido there is a saying, “your attacker is never wrong.” This statement is a stretch for most people. Think about the last time you felt attacked verbally or were in disagreement with an adversary.Did you believe your adversary was wrongand you were right?
This is one way people get stuck.
To get ‘unstuck,’ evaluate your intention. If your intention is to be right, you will see your adversary as wrong. If your intention is to create influence and collaborate you will realize “your attacker is never wrong.”It is up to you to Spiral Impact to understand his or her perspective. Only then will you find a resolution to the situation.
When you live by this concept, you will rarely feel attacked because the difficult person or situation becomes a cataylst for a different perspective or angle.
To stay in the ‘eye’ and not get sucked into the storm - this is my intention.
For 17 years, I’ve taught that a calm, yet alive, presence like the ‘eye of the storm’ is crucial to being able to use conflict creatively and navigate through the intensity of life with grace. I call this a ‘centered’ state.
Yet lately, my ‘to do’ list is longer and more people are vying for my attention. I’ve noticed feeling a little tense and out of sorts. I also realize I’ve been jumping into activity first thing in the morning in place of my morning ‘centering’ rituals. Clearly, it is time for me to get back to what I know works.
While having a plan for my business, increasing my knowledge, and enlisting support are very important, when I am centered I am much more efficient and thorough. Needless to say, I am happier too!
I cannot hire centering out like my web design. It is all about me.
The morning sets the tone for the whole day. Spending even just a few minutes with breathing, meditation and stretching makes a world of difference. And revisiting this centered place periodically throughout the day helps me, stay in the eye instead of getting sucked into the storm.
I’ve come to realize being centered is like brushing your teeth. You must do it every day several times or you will experience decay! Just having knowledge of the concept doesn’t bring it into being.
