‘Nice’ is as ineffective as ‘confrontational’ and maybe worse.
Colleen and seven other women invested a few thousand dollars and a week of their time to participate in a ’spiritual’ retreat. The goal was to renew their spiritual lives and form an ongoing monthly support group when they returned home.
The group dissolved within four months. Why? I believe it was because they were too ‘nice.’
One woman, Ruth brought her children (ages 3 & 5) to the monthly support meetings. The children were alive with enthusiasm and easily brought to tears if things didn’t go their way. This was a major distraction from the intention of the group: spiritual renewal and support.
Colleen shared with me nobody wanted to ‘confront’ Ruth so they just quietly dissolved the group. Colleen was very disappointed.
Being ‘nice’ - didn’t get any of them what they wanted. ‘Nice’ usually involves an unspoken lie.
The goal is not to be nice; the goal is to be sincere. Sincerity is honesty tempered with kindness.
There were other options other than ‘nice’ and ‘confrontational’ to resolve this and get what they wanted and with grace!
Applying Spiral Impact concepts, a few options:
- Stating the truth with love or from ‘center’, such as: “I value the time we are together and the interruptions make it difficult to focus and connect. Can we agree to have this an adults only day? Or, find a different place for the kids?” Perhaps the group could help her find an alternative for her children. Note: love or from ‘center’ is the operative word here…if these are not present it will not work.
- Revisiting the intention of the meeting and ask if the format is working for people. Hopefully, this was done initially.
- Creating a group credo based on value questions during the week long retreat. See Spiral Impact, page 82.
None of these options are confrontational. Yet, anyone of them would have produced a more honest growth filled experience. What suggestions do you have?
Tags: Add new tag, centering, conflict, Conflict Resolution, resolution
