Karen Valencic’s Blog

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Pothole Communication

March 18th, 2010

It’s that time of year again when dodging potholes becomes a sport here in Indy - another aspect of ‘March Madness.’  Hitting a pothole in my Mini really shakes me up!

Hitting a communication ‘pothole’ can also shake a person up.  Potholes are a void begging to be filled, in the road or in communication.   You know what I mean…someone doesn’t return your call or fill a request.  He or she seems to disappear; you are left in the land of ‘not knowing,’ a void of information.

In the void of communication, what do you fill that ‘pothole’ with?

Do you assume it is about you?  That somehow you aren’t worthy?
Alice thought her proposal for work was accepted; dates were even discussed.  However, when she tried to confirm she received no response.  She assumed the project wasn’t going to happen. In the end, she learned her client thought they were confirmed.  He had less of a need for communication.

Do you assume the worst?  Something has happened to the person?
Tracy, your child, is out late and not answering his cell phone.  Need I say more?

Do you trust when the time is right you’ll have your response?
David is a busy executive. Over the years he’s learned when the time is right, he will hear from the person, just on time, although, it may not be his preferred time.

The astute communicator practices ‘pothole’ prevention by learning peoples’ preferences for communication.   Given there are so many options to deliver communication, I have found it surprising what some people prefer and resent!  Assuming anything is a big mistake.

  • Nancy, a baby boomer, informed me she feels resentful when someone phones her; it takes too much time to return a call
  • Eric, another baby boomer, informed me he primarily communicates on Facebook! E-mail is too slow for him
  • My 20 something daughters prefer texting
  • Jason, a Gen Xer business owner, prefers Linked-In
  • My mother likes me to call her on Sunday mornings; it is a ritual

The bottom-line is:  ask people how and when is the best way to communicate with them.

Yet, truly at the bottom of a pothole…

no communication… is communication.

It says, “This is not the most important thing to me right now. ”


What are your thoughts?


Not so ‘Nice’

October 15th, 2009

‘Nice’ is as ineffective as ‘confrontational’ and maybe worse.

Colleen and seven other women invested a few thousand dollars and a week of their time to participate in a ’spiritual’ retreat. The goal was to renew their spiritual lives and form an ongoing monthly support group when they returned home.

The group dissolved within four months. Why? I believe it was because they were too ‘nice.’

One woman, Ruth brought her children (ages 3 & 5) to the monthly support meetings. The children were alive with enthusiasm and easily brought to tears if things didn’t go their way. This was a major distraction from the intention of the group: spiritual renewal and support.

Colleen shared with me nobody wanted to ‘confront’ Ruth so they just quietly dissolved the group. Colleen was very disappointed.

Being ‘nice’ - didn’t get any of them what they wanted. ‘Nice’ usually involves an unspoken lie.

The goal is not to be nice; the goal is to be sincere. Sincerity is honesty tempered with kindness.

There were other options other than ‘nice’ and ‘confrontational’ to resolve this and get what they wanted and with grace!

Applying Spiral Impact concepts, a few options:

  • Stating the truth with love or from ‘center’, such as: “I value the time we are together and the interruptions make it difficult to focus and connect. Can we agree to have this an adults only day? Or, find a different place for the kids?” Perhaps the group could help her find an alternative for her children.  Note: love or from ‘center’ is the operative word here…if these are not present it will not work.
  • Revisiting the intention of the meeting and ask if the format is working for people. Hopefully, this was done initially.
  • Creating a group credo based on value questions during the week long retreat. See Spiral Impact, page 82.

None of these options are confrontational. Yet, anyone of them would have produced a more honest growth filled experience.  What suggestions do you have?

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