Karen Valencic’s Blog

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Pothole Communication

March 18th, 2010

It’s that time of year again when dodging potholes becomes a sport here in Indy - another aspect of ‘March Madness.’  Hitting a pothole in my Mini really shakes me up!

Hitting a communication ‘pothole’ can also shake a person up.  Potholes are a void begging to be filled, in the road or in communication.   You know what I mean…someone doesn’t return your call or fill a request.  He or she seems to disappear; you are left in the land of ‘not knowing,’ a void of information.

In the void of communication, what do you fill that ‘pothole’ with?

Do you assume it is about you?  That somehow you aren’t worthy?
Alice thought her proposal for work was accepted; dates were even discussed.  However, when she tried to confirm she received no response.  She assumed the project wasn’t going to happen. In the end, she learned her client thought they were confirmed.  He had less of a need for communication.

Do you assume the worst?  Something has happened to the person?
Tracy, your child, is out late and not answering his cell phone.  Need I say more?

Do you trust when the time is right you’ll have your response?
David is a busy executive. Over the years he’s learned when the time is right, he will hear from the person, just on time, although, it may not be his preferred time.

The astute communicator practices ‘pothole’ prevention by learning peoples’ preferences for communication.   Given there are so many options to deliver communication, I have found it surprising what some people prefer and resent!  Assuming anything is a big mistake.

  • Nancy, a baby boomer, informed me she feels resentful when someone phones her; it takes too much time to return a call
  • Eric, another baby boomer, informed me he primarily communicates on Facebook! E-mail is too slow for him
  • My 20 something daughters prefer texting
  • Jason, a Gen Xer business owner, prefers Linked-In
  • My mother likes me to call her on Sunday mornings; it is a ritual

The bottom-line is:  ask people how and when is the best way to communicate with them.

Yet, truly at the bottom of a pothole…

no communication… is communication.

It says, “This is not the most important thing to me right now. ”


What are your thoughts?


Let off some steam

November 19th, 2009
In October I wrote about how ‘nice’ is as ineffective as ‘confrontational.’ One reader asked me about the ‘nice’ person who surprises everyone by suddenly becoming very angry and full of rage.

A very close analogy is cooking with a pressure cooker, which I do on a regular basis.  Many people are afraid of pressure cookers and for good reason.  If the pressure is not released, it explodes, very much like the person mentioned above.

One law of physics is very important to know:


When temperature rises so does pressure in an enclosed space.

The secret to pressure cooking is balancing the heat applied with the pressure released.   This is also true with people.  Being too ‘nice’ usually requires living an unspoken lie - which increases internal pressure.  This person may:

  • Say ‘yes’ too much and be over committed
  • Feel mistreated and not be able to speak up  appropriately
  • Feel uncomfortable asking for help
  • Have extraordinary demands on him or her because of  life circumstances

The answer is simple, although not easy.  Obey the law:

  • Reduce the heat- by asking for help; learning to say ‘no’
  • Release the pressure- exercising; belly breathing;  journaling; talking to a trusted advisor
  • Increase the space- center yourself;  create some ‘me’ time and get very clear about who you choose to be

Or, if this is an issue for someone close to you, be sensitive to his or her limits and help out!  Although, readily accepting help may be difficult for this person. Recognize “I can do it,” may be code for “I need help.”

The holidays are around the corner.  You can bet I’ll be correctly applying this law of physics both in my kitchen and with my schedule!

How about you?

Not so ‘Nice’

October 15th, 2009

‘Nice’ is as ineffective as ‘confrontational’ and maybe worse.

Colleen and seven other women invested a few thousand dollars and a week of their time to participate in a ’spiritual’ retreat. The goal was to renew their spiritual lives and form an ongoing monthly support group when they returned home.

The group dissolved within four months. Why? I believe it was because they were too ‘nice.’

One woman, Ruth brought her children (ages 3 & 5) to the monthly support meetings. The children were alive with enthusiasm and easily brought to tears if things didn’t go their way. This was a major distraction from the intention of the group: spiritual renewal and support.

Colleen shared with me nobody wanted to ‘confront’ Ruth so they just quietly dissolved the group. Colleen was very disappointed.

Being ‘nice’ - didn’t get any of them what they wanted. ‘Nice’ usually involves an unspoken lie.

The goal is not to be nice; the goal is to be sincere. Sincerity is honesty tempered with kindness.

There were other options other than ‘nice’ and ‘confrontational’ to resolve this and get what they wanted and with grace!

Applying Spiral Impact concepts, a few options:

  • Stating the truth with love or from ‘center’, such as: “I value the time we are together and the interruptions make it difficult to focus and connect. Can we agree to have this an adults only day? Or, find a different place for the kids?” Perhaps the group could help her find an alternative for her children.  Note: love or from ‘center’ is the operative word here…if these are not present it will not work.
  • Revisiting the intention of the meeting and ask if the format is working for people. Hopefully, this was done initially.
  • Creating a group credo based on value questions during the week long retreat. See Spiral Impact, page 82.

None of these options are confrontational. Yet, anyone of them would have produced a more honest growth filled experience.  What suggestions do you have?

Set Your Lead

June 16th, 2009

We often lead in the subtlest way.

In, aikido, my martial arts practice one person leads by providing the energy, or attack, and the other person responds. How someone provides energy leads to how a beginner will respond.

Vigorous energy leads to vigorous response. Mean spirited energy leads to hard intense response. Weak energy leads to minimal response.

Believe me you learn this quickly when you are physically involved!

I’ve noticed the same is true off the mat in a more subtle way. For example:

  • Beginning meetings late leads to people coming late
  • Blaming someone leads to a defensive response
  • Giving unclear direction leads to lack of clear results

Not getting the response you want? Check to make sure you are setting a clear lead.

Now flip the scenario, you are on the receiving end of unclear leads, what do you do? The advanced aikido student will respond clearly with sincerity regardless of the energy provided. Off the mat an advanced student will:

  • Show up on time
  • Diffuse blame by choosing to learn more about the situation
  • Ask for clear expectations

If you find yourself in annoying unclear situations ask yourself these two questions:

  1. Am I providing a clear lead?
  2. Am I responding to another person’s unclear subtle leads honorably with questions for clarity?

Hope your summer is off to a great beginning!

Business Just Right

June 2nd, 2009

Timed traffic lights are a bit like life, relationships and business;  they work in your favor if you approach them ‘just right.’

Ever notice this? If you go too fast, you end up stopped. If you go too slow, you end up stopped.

If you go ‘just right’ you proceed without stopping – a nice even pace.

What is your pattern are you a lead foot or a slow poke? Or, are you just right?

If you are a lead foot you may –

  • drive people away by being too pushy
  • make rash decisions without considering the whole picture
  • make stupid errors
  • create unhealthy stress for you and those who work with you

If you are a slow poke you may –

  • Miss opportunities and fun

  • Get run over
  • Never feel comfortable to make a decision
  • Drive people away by being too complacent

What do you need to be “just right?”

Knowledge – about yourself;   about what you are involved in

Intention – define all levels of “It” what you want (in the book, page 75)

Focused energy – be centered and balanced personally

Support – figure out who and how you are supporting yourself

Ahhh…Yes! This is how you Spiral Impact It! And get it just right!

Honoring Differences

May 29th, 2009

‘Third class’ on Friday night is one of my favorite times of the week. ‘Third class’ is when our aikido group goes out for sushi and conversation. Class one and two are on the martial art training mat. We work up an appetite for ‘third class.’

Our group has one thing in common…we love to practice aikido.

However, our beliefs on world topics are as diverse as can be.

The beauty of ‘third class’ is the lively conversation ignited by differing view points. I don’t know if I’ve truly experience this in the past with a group. Given the current political and economic changes you’d think we’d be at odds with each other. Yet we all continue to show up and support each other in our growth.

I believe we can do this because we have a common tie. We all have a commitment to practice the art of harmony, aikido.

What about you? Are you involved with a diverse group? Does the group have a common tie that is strong enough to keep them listening and honoring opposing views? If not, do they have the skill? What do you think makes this possible?

Fear of the unknown leak

May 27th, 2009

In the still of the night I heard a faint drip. I wrote it off to the ice cube maker doing its magic, but then I remembered: I don’t own an ice cube maker.

The next morning I reluctantly followed the sound. It drew me to the basement, and then (eww!) the crawlspace. It was there in the dark void I spied the drip. A holiday weekend meant no access to a handyman: it was up to me to fix the leak.

At first I felt like crying. I felt alone and afraid of mud, creepy crawlers or worse a bigger leak!

My life’s work is dealing with this sort of situation, not leaks, but fear and conflict. As I trembled, I reminded myself of my methodology, Spiral Impact – the Power to Get It Done with Grace. My ‘It‘ was fixing this leak. Could I do this with grace?!

I contorted myself through a 2’ x 3’ opening to land on a couple of loose boards which formed a bridge over a dry moat. I kept breathing, determined to be the suburban Indiana Jones .

Upon closer inspection of the drip, I realized I needed more knowledge. It was off to the hardware store. I talked through the art of cutting copper piping and valve selection with Mr. Mike of Ace Hardware. I bought a few supplies, then ventured back into the crawlspace. Long story short, I had to make a total of 3 trips to Mr. Mike’s.

As I fixed one issue another appeared. You can probably relate.

I kept breathing and stayed present with the challenge.

Needless to say, when I finally turned the water back on and nothing leaked, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. It even looked good - and I didn’t have to use duct tape!

So what?

That weekend project reinforced to me the power of Spiral Impacting. I felt stuck; yet, I entered into the situation seeking new knowledge, asking for support, clarifying my intention…and most of all staying centered.

I was able to move through my fear to get it done with grace.

How about you? Are you feeling stuck or fearful in an area of your life?

Knowledge is not power

May 20th, 2009

I  pulled a dandelion out of my yard as a bee was enjoying sucking its nectar.

The bee stung me.

I knew this would happen.   I did it anyway.   And, I wasn’t surprised at the sting I received.

Knowledge isn’t power.  Applied knowledge is power.

Most people have experienced doing something ’stupid,’  knowing the consequences and doing it anyway.   Have you?

Knowledge isn’t power.  Spiral Impact is a methodology for getting things done with grace by engaging knowledge with focused energy, clear intention and support! I was clearly lacking focused energy when I reached for the bee.

Think about how many things we ‘know’ yet we still don’t get the result we want.   Usually, it is because one or more of the following Spiral Impact Quadrants are not engaged, such as:

Knowledge - lacking information

Focused energy - lacking the raw physical, mental, or emotional energy to show up and perform

Intention - lacking a defined outcome

Support - not enough support to implement

When all four Spiral Impact Quadrants are positively engaged you will find it easier to get a fabulous result!

Tell me, which Quadrant are you most challenged with?

The power of a…trash can?

May 12th, 2009

What was the hold up? Traffic was backed up for blocks and it wasn’t rush hour.

I took a deep breath knowing this may make me late.

The culprit became clear as I approached the tie up – an emptied trashcan rolling lazily about in the road. Impressive was the power this small piece of plastic held over massive SUV’s, minivans, and luxury cars all forced to wait for passage.

Then came my opening to by-pass the can and escape the hold-up.

Instead, I stopped.

I stepped out of my car and returned the can to its appointed place at the curb and the traffic surged forward. It was a simple gesture on my part and saved many people from wasted time and energy.

What about you? Are there “rolling trashcans” controlling your life? You can act on those “trashcans” even if they aren’t your responsibility. Maybe its office gossip, misinformation, or something broken needing to be fixed…

I challenge you to step out and act!

Just ask

May 5th, 2009

A scholarship setting up a student to fail?

That’s what it seemed like to Alex. A full time job and an inflexible boss were crippling her ability to do well as a full time student, yet that was a requirement of the scholarship.

The only options she saw were either quitting the job and losing the scholarship or complaining to her boss’s boss.

Enter Spiral Impact.

One key element of Spiral Impact is:

Turn Your Statements into Questions, Acknowledgments, or Both.

I challenged Alex to deal directly with her immediate boss - this time with open ended questions rather than statements of futile frustration. I suggested she try questions such as “What did you find most helpful when you balanced work and school?” “What are the specific requirements of my scholarship?” Avoid questions asking “why?” as those tend to create a defense.

The next time I saw Alex she beamed, “Spiral Impact really works!”  Through dialogue she uncovered the scholarship required only a minimal number of hours and that her boss thought she was a part time student!

Result:  She keeps her scholarship and only works hours to fit her schedule giving her time to excel in school!

Do you have a challenging situation you are only making statements about? Ask what, how, where, when questions and get a different result!

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