Walking ‘the line’ initially takes courage, then it gets easy.
Mark is a manager. Visit his department and it feels depressing.Several low performers drag everyone else down.Mark is not even close to walking ‘the line;’ he is conflict avoidant, neglecting to hold people accountable.
The price: lack of engagement and innovation; errors; loss of good people.
Don is another manager.Visit his department and it feels tense.Don is a high performer and has very high expectations.If his people don’t do exactly what he wants, he blows up. Don is constantly crossing over ‘the line.’ Frequently, he ends up working a lot of extra hours redoing his peoples’ work.
The price: lack of engagement and innovation; errors; high turnover.
Jack is a third manager. Visit his department and it feels energized, you can feel people actually like and help each other. Jack knows how to walk ‘the line.’ He engages everyone, sets expectations, and speaks up immediately if something or someone is off target.
The benefit: innovation, engagement, quality and the pick of high performing individuals who want to be part of his organization.
What is this ‘line?’
‘The line’ is between creative and destructive conflict where innovation and peak performance lives.
‘Nice’ is as ineffective as ‘confrontational’ and maybe worse.
Colleen and seven other women invested a few thousand dollars and a week of their time to participate in a ’spiritual’ retreat.The goal was to renew their spiritual lives and form an ongoing monthly support group when they returned home.
The group dissolved within four months.Why?I believe it was because they were too ‘nice.’
One woman, Ruth brought her children (ages 3 & 5) to the monthly support meetings.The children were alive with enthusiasm and easily brought to tears if things didn’t go their way.This was a major distraction from the intention of the group: spiritual renewal and support.
Colleen shared with me nobody wanted to ‘confront’ Ruth so they just quietly dissolved the group.Colleen was very disappointed.
Being ‘nice’ - didn’t get any of them what they wanted. ‘Nice’ usually involves an unspoken lie.
The goal is not to be nice; the goal is to be sincere.Sincerity is honesty tempered with kindness.
There were other options other than ‘nice’ and ‘confrontational’ to resolve this and get what they wanted and with grace!
Applying Spiral Impact concepts, a few options:
Stating the truth with love or from ‘center’, such as: “I value the time we are together and the interruptions make it difficult to focus and connect.Can we agree to have this an adults only day? Or, find a different place for the kids?” Perhaps the group could help her find an alternative for her children. Note: love or from ‘center’ is the operative word here…if these are not present it will not work.
Revisiting the intention of the meeting and ask if the format is working for people. Hopefully, this was done initially.
Creating a group credo based on value questions during the week long retreat. See Spiral Impact, page 82.
None of these options are confrontational.Yet, anyone of them would have produced a more honest growth filled experience. What suggestions do you have?
Sure, I am frequently tempted to play favorites both on the aikido training mat and in my life.
My favorites are people who make me feel comfortable and see things from my point of view. On the aikido mat they are fun to practice with because the techniques just flow and we fly through the air with ease; frankly, it is a blast.
It is the difficult people I sometimes want to avoid. In life, they don’t share my point of view. On the training mat they are the people who come in either too strong or too limp.
Yet, it’s those difficult people, where I stretch and grow both on the mat and in life.
The person who questions or corrects something I say…stretches me to get clarity and broaden my perspective.
The person who is emotionally out of control…stretches me to get more balance in my center.
The person who is limp or lacking initiative…stretches my patience and understanding
In aikido there is a saying, “your attacker is never wrong.” This statement is a stretch for most people. Think about the last time you felt attacked verbally or were in disagreement with an adversary.Did you believe your adversary was wrongand you were right?
This is one way people get stuck.
To get ‘unstuck,’ evaluate your intention. If your intention is to be right, you will see your adversary as wrong. If your intention is to create influence and collaborate you will realize “your attacker is never wrong.”It is up to you to Spiral Impact to understand his or her perspective. Only then will you find a resolution to the situation.
When you live by this concept, you will rarely feel attacked because the difficult person or situation becomes a cataylst for a different perspective or angle.
