Have you ever been surprised when someone obviously didn’t understand your communication and you thought you were clear?

This often happens when there is:

• Discomfort delivering a difficult message
• A desire to build an overly thorough ‘case’ to prove a point
• Lack of clarity before speaking

If someone doesn’t get my message, it’s my problem.
If I don’t get someone else’s message, it is also my problem.

Be clear. Ask for clarity.  Check for understanding, both sides.

3 Tips to keep your communication out of the maze:

1. Before you speak determine the intention of your communication in 2 sentences or less.
2. When leaving a voicemail, state the number of points you want to convey. Then, list them.  Plan before you call.
3. Limit e-mails to factual exchanges; bullet your information if over 2 sentences; if a response is required, say so in subject line.

Did you see the message in the maze above?  Let me know in the comments…

Also, consider joining me June 8 & 15 to even better stay out of the maze! Click Here

Most people I know tend to fill in the ‘blank’ with what they fear creating internal conflict.

I was left out of the meeting because ________________.
(Fear fills ______with: My input and position is not valued.  They are probably considering replacing me.  Or eliminating my job. Now what am I going to do?  I just put a down payment on the house.  What will my kids think?  I wonder who all knows about this?) Reality: Her name inadvertently was left off the e-mail invite.  Everyone wondered where she was.

He hasn’t called me back because ___________________.
(Head fills______with: They chose someone else.  But, our interview went so well, how could that be?)
Reality: The decision was delayed because of a process delay in accounting.

She looked distracted when I was speaking because __________________.
(Fear fills ______with :  I am not interesting.  She doesn’t agree with what I am saying.)
Reality: The information triggered some very profound awareness and she was internally processing it.

A _______ is rarely really _______ because our imagination fills it in based on our fears!

What about centering then spiraling in and asking for clarity?

Or, if you can’t ask, get comfortable with the mystery or assume the best.
Then you are not wasting energy on needless worry.

Do you have a story____________to share?

As I stepped into my rhythm, I glanced over at a young man on a neighboring machine. He was going full out.  He smiled, glowing and said,”I love this workout.  I’ve lost 80 pounds over 9 months.  Now, I am heading into the Marines!”

His enthusiasm was contagious.

I said, “That is great, and thank you!”  He responded with, “Wow, nobody ever says that. They think I am crazy.” He went on to share the history of the Marines and his goals.

I responded, “Well, I think you are courageous and generous.”  He turned up his machine another level.

Then, I turned up my machine 3 levels (Okay, I started lower).

Two strangers at the gym mutually inspired each other to pick it up a bit.

Who inspires you?   Do you inspire him or her?

Do you ever find yourself nixing someone else’s dream?
Watch out – what you put out comes back!

BTW, Andre’ Jr. leaves for basic training this summer….stop by Kona Jack’s sushi bar and him wish safety and success!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Thanks to Thom McKinney for being a great uke!

I feel sad when anyone is killed.  This is no exception.

However, last night watching Anderson Cooper’s report I got this sick feeling in my gut.  What if all the initial reporting is wrong?  What if the country is rushing to judge Zimmerman without knowing the details?

How often we do this we on an interpersonal level?  Something happens and we make conclusions based on not enough information?  So often, this is the case.

Somebody tells you something about someone else; you are outraged or mildly upset before you ask more questions.  When you learn more, you realize there is more to the story.

To Spiral Impact: when you feel stressed, Spiral Impact to learn more.  Turn your statements (He is….) to questions, acknowledgements or both (What really happened?).

I am going to Spiral Impact the Trayvon Martin situation and wait until more confirmed information is available.

In the meantime, I’ve learned about ‘stand your ground’ laws.  I trust something good comes out of this tragedy.   At this point, I am not sure what it is, but national conversation is a beginning.

Share your thoughts….Thank you.

So often in decision-making, emotions and history cloud the facts hiding the real problem.  Brad Pitt plays Billy Bean the General Manager of the Oakland As who took a different approach to solving his problem.

His problem: competing with teams with much larger budgets

His coaches focused on replacing their good players that had been drafted elsewhere. They looked emotionally at the possibilities.  Billy was tired of the same routine year-after-year of replacing his star players.  He asked himself, “How can I rebuild this team in a different way? “

His process: Change the way he looked at players by studing their statistics not the emotions around them.  He hired an economist who suggested players his coaches would have never considered based on their gut instincts.  Billy hired the economist’s recommendations based on pure numbers forming a team within the budget.

His new problem: He failed to get buy in from his coaching staff or even inform his coaching staff of the strategy.

The year began terribly.   Mainly, because the coaches were not playing the players as recommended.   Resentment grew.  Finally, Billy became more involved.  Talking with the players and coaches.  The end result was stellar and changed the baseball recruitment strategy for everyone.

Lesson learned:

Don’t substitute one conflict for another!
Leaders must look at the numbers AND build relationships
all are equally important.

Did you see the movie?  What business lessons did you take away?

It may depend on who is asking, but should it?

‘No’ stops:
Innovation
Relationships
Engagement

‘Know’ opens possibilities and solutions.

Don’t you want to ‘know’ about your colleagues, employees, friends, and family thoughts and feelings?
Next time you catch yourself rushing to ‘no,’ stop and ask questions to ‘know.’

Need some suggestions?
“No, we tried that before.” Becomes:
“What has changed or been created since the last time we looked at this?”
“Tell me your thought process?”
“Did we really try what I think she means before; have I listened?”

“No, it is against policy.” Becomes:
“Is there a benefit for taking a second look at this?”
“How might we accommodate this need in another way?”
“How is this policy serving the organization?  Does it still make sense?”

“No, we don’t have time.” Becomes:
“Am I responding like my parents?”
“How much time will this take?”
“What will we experience or gain if we take the time?”

After all, most people don’t necessarily need a ‘yes.’
They just like to be considered.

Fooled – the early morning pink light colored a bunch of dead leaves on a tree.  No blossoms.

My mental/emotional state influenced what I saw.

A small white object under a chair during aikido practice caught a couple of ours’ attention.   I thought it was a candle.  He thought it was a marshmallow.

Fooled again – it was the cap off a can!

I have candles in my current experience.  He has young kids and marshmallows in his current experience.   Our current state influenced what we thought we saw.

From what lens do you see things?  When there is lack of trust do you color things with suspicion?  How often are you fooled?   Are you willing to put on a different lens?  And, what would it be?

Still looking for an early Magnolia!   Karen

While watching him on my iPad at the gym I was literally laughing out loud!  Suddenly, several people were looking over my shoulder to see what was so funny.  My improv behavior created a connection.

So what?  What is the point on a conflict resolution blog?

Connection is vital to communication. I find it interesting as the number of people connecting virtually grows (people walking around on cell phones disconnect with their physical present) the number of public improv and flash mob performances grows.

What is the point?

I think the point is:  people need in-person connection and we are forgetting how!

What is required for us to unplug and connect with each other? Does it really take something bizarre?

Enjoy this Ted Talk.  And, notice in the first situation how the woman feels safety once she connects with others.

Oh yes, what do I think improv and conflict have in common?  They both generate an opportunity to connect with others, if we choose.  Your thoughts?

Click here to view the embedded video.